We Be Goblins! Remix Edition

So, I got a hankering to run We Be Goblins as a fun way to get the ball rolling again with my old group. However, reading through it and the three followup/prequel modules, I wasn't as massively taken with them as I remember.

For a module series focused on a fun, anarchic experience, the Pathfinder rules are a terrible fit. Too chunky, not enough leeway, more concerned with simulationism than fun.

Even the non-mechanical assumptions are pretty jarring - there's a whole tribe of goblins looking to score some fireworks, but only 4 of them get to do anything? You're a rag-tag group of the lowest rung of the humanoid ladder, but you're organised into a perfect Fighter-Thief-Cleric-Alchemist combo? You get to compete for magic items the tribe just has laying around?

There's a lot of small things that feel a little off with the modules, so here's the way I want to try it:

• Goblins are the lowest of the low. They roll their stats with 3d6, and have all the usual Goblin traits. Goblins don't get the usual Pathfinder Feats or Traits, and have no Class. 
• (It's a stolen joke, but it's a classic)
• They start with 1d4 HP, modded by Constitution.
• Each player also gets two pre-gen backup Goblins, cause this is gonna be a deadly one.
• Goblins are a chaotic, ramshackle lot - each Goblin has to roll for a Name, Trinket, Lucky Frog and Trait on the following tables:

Roll	Name	Trinket	Lucky Frog
1-2	Addur	A single, half-soggy firework	Spotol
3-4	Aka	A bag of salted slugs	Fat Frog
5-6	Boorgub	Hand-sized spider in a cage (named Stankrush)	Dogfinder
7-8	Chee	Jar of pickled halfling toes just about ready for eating	Amfibier
9-10	Chuffy	Halfling-sized toasting fork	Splat
11-12	Churkus	20 feet of rope with dead moles sewn into it	Bitey
13-14	Drubbus	Small silver hand mirror, in surprisingly good condition	Froggy McFrogface
15-16	Fevva	Jar of Dwarven perfume (half drunk)	Squish
17-18	Gawg	Rusty meat hook (1d4 dmg)	Bugeater
19-20	Geedra	Flint and tinder	Gump
21-22	Ghorg	Human-sized bridal veil	Shitter
23-24	Gogmurch	Halfling ladies’ corset (AC+1)	Stink
25-26	Goomluga	3 metal skewers (1d3 dmg, throwable)	Pigface
27-28	Gretcha	Stuffed raven	Really Fat Frog
29-30	Hibby	Bottle of brine-soaked alligator eyes	Barbar
31-32	Hoglob	Child’s doll with the eyes taken out	Lord Frogington
33-34	Ikky	Grappling hook	Actually a Toad
35-36	Irnk	3 tindertwigs	Boggy
37-38	Janka	Cowbell (worn)	Smokey
39-40	Jurk	Homemade Thieves' Tools	Munchmunch
41-42	Kavak	Squashed dried toad (his previous lucky pet toad)	Cobblers
43-44	Klongy	Jar of pickled fish heads	Kick
45-46	Luckums	6 Goblintallow torches	Bubbles
47-48	Lunthus	Almost empty salt shaker	Bip
49-50	Lupi	Pig’s tail jerky	Stabber
51-52	Medge	Wooden flute (too splintery to play without injury)	Mad Dug
53-54	Mogawg	Gourd of pickled leeches just about ready to eat	Horsesniffer
55-56	Mogmurch	Skull face mask (+1 AC, fragile)	Shagrat
57-58	Murch	Juicy slug in a small pot	Dunk
59-60	Namby	Metal codpiece, anatomically correct (+1AC)	Goose
61-62	Nurpus	Heavily-soiled Human-sized Jester’s hat	Spits
63-64	Olba	Pumpkin-head lantern	Warty
65-66	Ooft	Black eyepatch (with hole cut in it to see)	Blob
67-68	Pogus	Hard leather boot (used as belt pouch)	Windy
69-70	Poog	Bag of incredibly weevil-infested flour	FIRETOAD
71-72	Rempy	Ancestral dogslicer, stolen (1d6 dmg)	Hairy
73-74	Reta	A very thick piece of charcoal	Jarp
75-76	Ronk	A stick. It's very sharp. (1d4 dmg)	Looky Lou
77-78	Ruxi	A bag of spotted blue mushrooms (DC11 Fort save or 1d6 Int dmg and hallucinations)	Sticky
79-80	Rotfoot	Lucky charm necklace made of Halfling ears	Slipper-Slide
81-82	Scroff	Large wooden spoon (1d3 dmg)	Smudge
83-84	Sweetums	Stone skinning knife (1d4 dmg, fragile)	Bonk
85-86	Unk	3 dead rats	Maggiepie
87-88	Urub	Metal brazier torch (1d4 dmg plus fire)	Plop
89-90	Vogun	Brass trumpet (well out of tune)	Parp
91-92	Vruta	Rattleshirt of small animal bones (+1 AC)	Lurky
93-94	Yalla	RICHES (1gp)	Egg
95-96	Ziku	Jar of goblin urine, well aged (causes sickness)	Snoopy
97-98	Zobmaggle	Halfling-sized powdered wig	Wakka
99-100	Zord	Human-sized wand (1d3 charges of a random 1st level spell)	Soggy

Roll	Trait
1-4	Dog-Sniff-Hate - you gain Scent, but only for dogs and dog-like creatures.
5-8	Balloon-Headed - your head is way too big. +1 to Perception
9-12	DOG PUNCHER - +1 to hit and +2 damage vs dogs
13-16	Pustular - you got the Pox. Advantage on Fort saves vs Sickening/Nausea
17-20	Goblin Stupidity - gain +1 to hit when fighting foes larger than you.
21-24	Goblin Bravery - first to run, last to die. +2 to Initiative
25-28	Bouncy - your bones are rubbery. Falls count as 10' shorter.
29-32	Ankle Biter - your teeth are sharp. Gain a bite attack (1d4 dmg)
33-36	Ugly - you are hideously scarred. +2 to Intimidate
37-40	Pyromaniac - you're used to getting set on fire. It is not your friend. Gain Fire Resistance 2.
41-44	Rager - you were born with a tiny, green fury in your heart. Gain Rage as a 1st-lvl Barbarian, but you can't tell friend from foe.
44-48	BURN BURN BURN - you love fire. Fire is your only friend. You do 1d4 extra damage with fire.
49-52	Easy Rider - you know just the right chokeholds to stay on a mount. +2 to Ride
53-56	Coward - you know just how to get out of fights. +4 to initiative, but you must pass a DC13 Will Save to get into combat in the first place.
57-60	Oversized - you're a biggun! +2 Str, Medium size
61-64	Headcase - you're insane, even by Goblin standards. Gain +2 vs mental effects
65-68	Shaman's Apprentice - you studied under the Tribe's magic-user. You learn 3 0-lvl Adept spells, castable 3/day each
69-72	Smartarse - you have more brainpower than the average Goblin. +2 Int
73-76	Sarge - you were born to lead. +2 Cha
77-80	Tough - as old leather boots! +2 Con
81-84	Sweaty - you constantly ooze. +2 to Escape Artist
85-88	Tinkerer - you're always fiddling with something. +2 Craft (any)
89-92	Runt - you were the smallest of the litter. -2 Str, +2 Dex
93-96	Colour Thief - your skin is oddly chameleonic. +2 to Stealth.
97-100	Backstabber - if you manage to sneak up on someone, you score double damage on all attacks they don’t expect.

Once you've made your Goblins, it's time to face the horrors...

Next time, I'll show my mashup of the best bits of the modules into one big chaotic mess - just right for Goblins!

Let's Read: The Book of Erotic Fantasy: Chapter 2: Rules, Skills and Feats Part 1

Welcome back, friends, for a further investigation into what a mathematician's sex life must look like.

Chapter 2 (this is really taking a while) focuses on the mechanical aspects of sex in D&D. As if reading my mind, the first header here is "Rules? For Sex?" - apparently, you should only roll dice for sex when it's important to find out how good it was. It doesn't say why the quality of the sex might be important to a game, but it at least tells us sometimes you can just fuck and not roll dice.

We're introduced to the Appearance stat - a seventh 4d6-drop-lowest roll that determines how attractive your character is. A few skills become partially Appearance-based - Bluff, Gather Information and Intimidate can be used with either Charisma or Appearance.

Do you have to flash your pecs and perfect treasure-trail to intimidate some Orcs with your App?

Are you willing to deal with the fan backlash from breaking this guy's nose?

Weirdly, Disguise is now exclusively an Appearance skill. Surely being more attractive would make disguising yourself more difficult? Looks bring scrutiny, after all, especially when you're an 18 App demigod and everyone else is either a Half-Orc Barbarian with yet another dump stat or a shit-covered peasant!

There's a table which tells us that the average dragon is more attractive than the average Dwarf, which seems weird. And that the Will-O-Wisp, a featureless ball of light, has an App score of 20.

It's literally more attractive than any normal human. A fucking ball of light.

Censored for the prudish.

It seems to be low-hanging fruit to mention that the table for aging penalties to Appearance includes Juveniles getting a +2 bonus for being "cute". With the content of this book, that seems more than a bit inappropriate.

And everyone gets a -2 penalty to Appearance checks outside of their species - except Elves, because Mary Sue.

Sidebar: Appearance and Sexual Organs isn't about having an ugly dick, but says that due to personal preferences, being well-endowed doesn't give you a bonus to Appearance checks, and doesn't assure any skill in bed. No, that comes down to Perform (Sexual Techniques), a skill we still haven't got to. 

Then we get another list of creature types and notes about their average Appearance. It has an interesting bit where Constructs require specific DCs to make them attractive (e.g. DC 30+ to give a score of 16-17), and that rotting Undead are App 1 or 2 ("Which of these corpses would you rather fuck?") and that Vampires are generally "sexy". There's a lot of vampire love going on here, and this was well before Twilight, so we can assume that Lestat had an influence here.

Then we get Size and Sex, which features some interesting quotes - "A Halfling can use fellatio to pleasure an Ogre (or vice versa)"...

Just gonna leave this here.

But if you're trying anything with something a size category away from you, that's a -4 penalty to your relevant checks - which implies there's more to fucking than just Perform (Sexual Technique) rolls. And that makes me sad.

Next time, it'll be the real meat and potatoes - How To Sustain Sex, bedroom uses for existing skills, and of course, the STD table.

Let's Read: The Book of Erotic Fantasy: Chapter 1, Part Three: Sex and Species

Our first chapter still has a lot of info to get through, so I'll get stuck straight into the next section – Sex and The Species, looking at (as one might guess) how the various species in a fantasy world might view sexuality.

It goes into detail regarding the “standard” sexuality for each of the Core races, with added details about pregnancy for these races. There’s nothing too exciting here, but there’s a lot to unpack. I’ll briefly summarise anything interesting:

Dwarves are so mired in tradition, there are “Dwarven Sex Manuals”, to show young (40 year old) Dwarves the accepted positions and techniques to use. (Now there's some good loot if ever I saw it...)

Elves are almost all bisexual.

Gnomes are apparently sex-toy maniacs, and see sex as way more fun than any other race.

Half-Elves are either too mature for Elves or slower to mature for humans, making puberty super awkward.

The half-orc entry makes some really unfortunate mentions of gay half-orcs sexually dominating their tribe-mates being the closest thing they get to acceptance.

And halflings are all polyamorous!

Humans are, as always, the most varied, blah blah blah.

This section also covers centaurs, doppelgangers (and their bizarre snake-like mating rituals), dryads (and their tragic single-target sexuality), giants, gnolls (with an amazing lack of mention of female pseudopenises), Goblinoids, Kobolds, Lizardfolk, merfolk, minotaurs, nymphs, orges, satyrs (total shaggers) and sprites.

Phew.

The book also makes mention of a few races (giantborn, felids, serpentines) who aren't common OGL creatures. I'd assumed these are races from other products by the same company (the way Green Ronin offers advice for adding their base classes into their other settings), but as it turns out this is Valar Project's only book.

Not that surprising.

It also gives a brief overview of the other creature types, like Aberrations, Elementals etc - which implies some things about druids (even though they said they wouldn't cover bestiality), introduces the idea of intellective necrophilia (i.e. banging a sentient undead like a Vampire), and gives a rather worrying foreshadowing in the Construct section:

"However, there is one type of construct, the pleasure golem, that is designed specifically for engaging in sex. See Chapter 6: Gods and Monsters for more information"

Well - I'm not sure if the idea of a Pleasure Golem or the fact there's a whole section dedicated to sex-monsters is worse. Let's cut our losses and say both. Both are worse.

Now I tend to avoid using the artwork from the book, but I couldn't resist sharing this piece of wonder:

1000 hours in MSPaint to keep things under control

Sidebars 

Intelligence & Sex – your min-maxed Half-Orc Barbarian with an Int less than 6? Not considered eligible in most societies for sex, apparently. It gives another tip to the idea that 10 times your intelligence score gives you a rough idea of IQ.

House of a Thousand Pleasures - describes a brothel with doppelganger prostitutes.

Next up, the section we can all use - Rules, Skills and Feats.

Joy.

Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend...

Ah, shit. I still have to finish this?

Goddammit.

What's The Deal With The Guy In The Corner Of The Tavern?

So, like I said - it's been a while since I posted here on the regular, and I'm still finding my feet with what to write about. Maybe some random tables will help get me in the groove again...

What’s With That Guy in the Corner?

Every tavern has That One Guy who sits in a darkened corner, mysteriously brooding or brooding mysteriously. What the hell is his deal?

d12	He’s Actually…
1	Recruiting for a Chaotic cult. Might be a good way to gain access to some unusual abilities… or end up chained to a sacrificial altar.
2	A thickly-accented peddler from some unheard-of foreign land. His goods are of fine quality, but unusual – odd tinctures and alchemical mixes, drugs, black powder weapons – whatever just slightly breaks the feeling of your current location.
3	Offering quests, surprise surprise. There’s a 10% chance he’s working with local bandits, who will attempt to rob the players when they reach their destination.
4	Attempting to sell phony magical trinkets to drunken patrons, preying on local fears. 1% chance that it actually works!
5	A member of the Thieves Guild, watching out for thieves of particular talent for a job, or eyeing up drunken adventurers with gold burning a hole in their coin purse…
6	A sorcerer, offering money for willing participants in various experiments. He pays well, but there’s always the chance something might go wrong… (Roll 1d4: 1 – random stat reduced by 1d4 2 – random stat increased by 1d4 3 – Minor physical change 4 – Roll on mutation table!)
7	A randomly generated Hireling, who simply wants to try and con for better prices through being so mysterious.
8	An actor hired by the tavern owner to add atmosphere. He’ll angrily shoo people away who try to break his mystique.
9	A Murder-Brother of the Assassin’s Guild, looking out for a particular target – he’ll happily give gold for information… just pray he's not looking for you.
10	The Small God of Loose Lips – will ply patrons with drinks in the hope of them letting loose some valuable little tidbit as tribute… Save vs Magic at -4 to resist.
11	A Paladin of Nemesis, Goddess of Revenge. He's keeping an eye out for the wronged and helpless, to aid them in finding their retribution.
12	Awaiting the arrival of a band of Halfling adventurers. They owe him some money, and he’s looking for some leg-breakers to help deal with his little problem…

The Generic Fantasy Skirmish Game - Now Available!

So, after many years of struggle (and forgetting about the project), I finally got around to finishing my conversion of In The Emperor's Name to a fantasy milieu.

I even gave it a proper name! CLASH. Sounds nice and skirmishy, without being too over-blown.

This game is designed to allow players to use any miniatures they have to hand, and to make sure games are relatively quick. At most, you'll need 3-15 miniatures, some random gubbins for terrain, a D6 per side, and maybe some scatter dice and templates.

The first draft is split into two sections - one with the main rules (like how to price up models, combat and spellcasting, and some sample scenarios), and the second one is given over to the Warband listings. Of course, if you find something that isn't covered, feel free to use the rules in the first part to make your own!

The next releases will probably be either specific scenarios, maybe some bonus rules for Campaigns, or just random extra Warbands that pop into my head.

The CORE RULES are here.

The WARBANDS are here.

As this is the first real draft, please feel free to leave comments, criticisms, hate mail and death threats. But please - go try the game, and let me know what you think!

30 Day D&D Challenge: I Heard There Was A Bandwagon...

... and, in the interests of getting myself back into writing regular updates, I am jumping right on his one!

For those of you who don't know...

So I have a few days catchup to do...

Free Stuff Giveaway at Laughing Ferret!

So, I've been following Laughing Ferret for a while now, and his minis have been pretty mind-blowing. His Blood Bowl teams make me want to look past the fact I think the game is fiddly and not as great as everyone thinks (this is My Opinion, please don't get offended!) and try the game again. He adds character and detail int minis that you rarely see in the current time of Army Painting and dipping.

These guys in particular show off his skill at adding character to a mini beyond a good paint job...

Make me hanker for an all-Dwarf dungeon crawling campaign...

Go check him out, become a follower, and try and win some awesome prizes!

Jotunbrud - A Race For 2e AD&D

Jotunbrud are demi-humans who have the blood of Frost Giants in their veins. As the Frost Giants (or Jotun, as they are known) possess some degree of magical aptitude, some have been known to take human form, and breed with other races for unknown reasons. Occasionally, these trysts can produce a hybrid child, which possesses only a fraction of the Jotun's power, but more than enough to set them apart from the common man.

Jotunbrud vary in height, but few are below 6' 6", with some reaching 8 or 9 foot tall. Many have a much darker skintone than their Frost Giant progenitors - a deep blue, rather than "frosted" ice-white. In Jotunbrud communities (rare as they are), and in the case of most individuals, ritual scarification is a common practice, decorating their skin with fine, oddly precise marks and patterns denoting tribal alliance, past deeds, and social standing.

Jotunbrud receive a +1 bonus to Strength and Intelligence, but also receive a -2 penalty to Charisma. While the blood of giants grants them strength and hardiness, and the natural magical ability of the Jotun gives them a sharp intellect, their unusual looks and somewhat alien mindset makes them less able to get along with those of other races.

Due to their size, they take damage as a Large-sized creature, and are capable of using weapons designed for larger creatures with some effort (a -1 penalty to attack rolls). This also applies to armour - most will need to be specially fitted for the Jotunbrud (being larger than a Medium sized creature, but unable to wear the armour of a true Large-sized creature). This adds 15% to the normal price of such items.

A Jotunbrud character has the following level limits:

Fighter 10
Thief Unlimited
Illusionist 15

They may also multi-class as Fighter/Thieves, Fighter/Illusionists, Illusionist/Thieves and Fighter/Illusionist/Thieves.

A Jotunbrud character requires the following ability scores:

Strength 9/19
Dexterity 3/16
Constitution 6/18
Intelligence 6/18
Wisdom 3/18
Charisma 3/16

My take on the Marvel Cinematic Universe's version of the Frost Giants, for a little fun and to add some more possible races to The Wall campaign.

Generic Fantasy Skrmish - Goblinoid Warbands

So, I thought I would present these lists together, because they share a common rule - The Horde.

As always, these rules are first drafts, and will be changed at a later date (after some hopeful playtesting). And, as always, they are part of an expansion of In The Emperor's Name, Gawd 'Elp Us Games's take on skirmish-level narrative 40k wargaming. Please check it out!

The Horde
Any Warband made from models with this rule can include any model from another Warband with the same rule without having to pay the Strange Ally cost - unless the model has a Heroism of 2+, then it's 5pts (instead of the usual 10pts).

So, in true fantasy style, a gang of Goblins can be led by an outcast Orc, or perhaps the Orcs befriended a wounded Ogre (or promised him a share of the loot and as many bones as he could eat), or maybe that group of Hobgoblins uses Goblins as meatshields and an Orc Berserker as their heavy hitter... the options are endless, and help make these Warbands incredibly flexible.

Plus, part of the idea of this game was that you could grab a pile of minis and play, like if only some of your usual RPG group show up, or you don't have enough armies for larger-scale wargames to go round your players. And if you're the type of DM who uses minis, you probably will have Orcs, Goblins and maybe Hobgoblins - enough of each for a decent encounter, I'd bet. If not, they're easy to get hold of - on sites which sell D&D minis individually, the Goblinoids are normally considered Common (barring a few special ones), and cost about $3 at most.

I advise only using this rule during campaign games (and maybe creating a similar rule for the Human, Elf and Dwarf (or whatever) lists - The Alliance). Otherwise, it can lead to much MathHammering and min/maxing your list choices, and really - that's not what this game is about.

I had thought about making them one big list, but in trying to ensure there was enough variation for players to run a list with just one type of Goblinoid, I decided I was as well making several lists that could be dipped interchangeably.

Goblins

Unit Type	Heroism	FV	SV	Speed	Notes
Skirmisher	5+	+0	+0	+2	Small
Sneak	5+	+1	+1	+2	Small, Stealth
Assassin	4+	+2	+1	+2	Small, Stealth, Poison, Hunter
Warchief	4+	+2	+2	+2	Small, Leader
Barghest	3+	+3	+0	+3	Hunter, Stealth

Campaign Rule: The Horde

Hobgoblins

Unit Type	Heroism	FV	SV	Speed	Notes
Cadet	4+	+1	+0	+1
Warrior	4+	+2	+1	+1	Phalanx
Archer	4+	+1	+2	+1
Captain	3+	+2	+2	+1	Leader, Disciplne, Defensive Master, Phalanx
Warcaster	4+	+1	+2	+1	Leader, can buy spells @ 10pts from the Divine Spell List, Discipline

Campaign Rule: The Horde

Orcs

Unit Type	Heroism	FV	SV	Speed	Notes
Grunt	4+	+1	+1	+0
Barbarian	3+	+2	+0	+0
Warlord	3+	+3	+3	+0
Rager	3+	+3	+0	+1
Shaman	4+	+2	+1	+0	Leader, can buy spells @ 10pts from the Nature Spell List

Campaign Rule: The Horde

Ogres

Unit Type	Heroism	FV	SV	Speed	Notes
Savage	2+	+4	+0	-1	Combat Master
Hurler	2+	+3	+3	-1
Chieftain	2+	+5	+3	-1

Armour Type	Notes	Restricted To
None	Just clothes [5+ to hit]
Light	Leather, Padded Armour [6+ to hit]
Medium	Chainmail, Half-Plate, Scale [7+ to hit]
	Amulet of Protection [7+ to hit]	Hogoblin Warcaster, Orc Shaman
Heavy	Banded Mail, Full Plate [8+ to hit]	Hobgoblin Captain, Orc Warlord
	Ogre Hide [9+ to hit]	Ogre Savage, Hurler
	Ogre Plate [10+ to hit]	Ogre Chieftain
Shields	Buckler, Light Round [+1 AV]
	Heavy, Tower [+2 AV]

New Special Rules

As always, these rules cost 5 points unless otherwise stated.

Small - this model is particularly small, and cannot use any Heavy weapons or Armour (including Heavy or Tower Shields) - however, they can move through Light Cover with no penalty. This ability does not cost any points (as it is both an advantage and a drawback).
Hunter - see Bounty Hunter.
Poison - any weapon used by this unit gains a Grit penalty of -1. This stacks with the weapon's original Grit penalty (but not other sources, such as the Envenom spell).
Discipline - grants all allies within 9" in Line of Sight immunity to the effects of Terror (see Invoke Faith).
Phalanx - units with this rule can form a shield wall - when using a shield, and in base contact with another shield-using unit, they count as carrying a line of Light Cover (+1 to Armour, penalties to shooting into it, and reduced movement speed).