We Be Goblins! Remix Edition

So, I got a hankering to run We Be Goblins as a fun way to get the ball rolling again with my old group. However, reading through it and the three followup/prequel modules, I wasn't as massively taken with them as I remember.

For a module series focused on a fun, anarchic experience, the Pathfinder rules are a terrible fit. Too chunky, not enough leeway, more concerned with simulationism than fun.

Even the non-mechanical assumptions are pretty jarring - there's a whole tribe of goblins looking to score some fireworks, but only 4 of them get to do anything? You're a rag-tag group of the lowest rung of the humanoid ladder, but you're organised into a perfect Fighter-Thief-Cleric-Alchemist combo? You get to compete for magic items the tribe just has laying around?

There's a lot of small things that feel a little off with the modules, so here's the way I want to try it:

• Goblins are the lowest of the low. They roll their stats with 3d6, and have all the usual Goblin traits. Goblins don't get the usual Pathfinder Feats or Traits, and have no Class. 
• (It's a stolen joke, but it's a classic)
• They start with 1d4 HP, modded by Constitution.
• Each player also gets two pre-gen backup Goblins, cause this is gonna be a deadly one.
• Goblins are a chaotic, ramshackle lot - each Goblin has to roll for a Name, Trinket, Lucky Frog and Trait on the following tables:

Roll	Name	Trinket	Lucky Frog
1-2	Addur	A single, half-soggy firework	Spotol
3-4	Aka	A bag of salted slugs	Fat Frog
5-6	Boorgub	Hand-sized spider in a cage (named Stankrush)	Dogfinder
7-8	Chee	Jar of pickled halfling toes just about ready for eating	Amfibier
9-10	Chuffy	Halfling-sized toasting fork	Splat
11-12	Churkus	20 feet of rope with dead moles sewn into it	Bitey
13-14	Drubbus	Small silver hand mirror, in surprisingly good condition	Froggy McFrogface
15-16	Fevva	Jar of Dwarven perfume (half drunk)	Squish
17-18	Gawg	Rusty meat hook (1d4 dmg)	Bugeater
19-20	Geedra	Flint and tinder	Gump
21-22	Ghorg	Human-sized bridal veil	Shitter
23-24	Gogmurch	Halfling ladies’ corset (AC+1)	Stink
25-26	Goomluga	3 metal skewers (1d3 dmg, throwable)	Pigface
27-28	Gretcha	Stuffed raven	Really Fat Frog
29-30	Hibby	Bottle of brine-soaked alligator eyes	Barbar
31-32	Hoglob	Child’s doll with the eyes taken out	Lord Frogington
33-34	Ikky	Grappling hook	Actually a Toad
35-36	Irnk	3 tindertwigs	Boggy
37-38	Janka	Cowbell (worn)	Smokey
39-40	Jurk	Homemade Thieves' Tools	Munchmunch
41-42	Kavak	Squashed dried toad (his previous lucky pet toad)	Cobblers
43-44	Klongy	Jar of pickled fish heads	Kick
45-46	Luckums	6 Goblintallow torches	Bubbles
47-48	Lunthus	Almost empty salt shaker	Bip
49-50	Lupi	Pig’s tail jerky	Stabber
51-52	Medge	Wooden flute (too splintery to play without injury)	Mad Dug
53-54	Mogawg	Gourd of pickled leeches just about ready to eat	Horsesniffer
55-56	Mogmurch	Skull face mask (+1 AC, fragile)	Shagrat
57-58	Murch	Juicy slug in a small pot	Dunk
59-60	Namby	Metal codpiece, anatomically correct (+1AC)	Goose
61-62	Nurpus	Heavily-soiled Human-sized Jester’s hat	Spits
63-64	Olba	Pumpkin-head lantern	Warty
65-66	Ooft	Black eyepatch (with hole cut in it to see)	Blob
67-68	Pogus	Hard leather boot (used as belt pouch)	Windy
69-70	Poog	Bag of incredibly weevil-infested flour	FIRETOAD
71-72	Rempy	Ancestral dogslicer, stolen (1d6 dmg)	Hairy
73-74	Reta	A very thick piece of charcoal	Jarp
75-76	Ronk	A stick. It's very sharp. (1d4 dmg)	Looky Lou
77-78	Ruxi	A bag of spotted blue mushrooms (DC11 Fort save or 1d6 Int dmg and hallucinations)	Sticky
79-80	Rotfoot	Lucky charm necklace made of Halfling ears	Slipper-Slide
81-82	Scroff	Large wooden spoon (1d3 dmg)	Smudge
83-84	Sweetums	Stone skinning knife (1d4 dmg, fragile)	Bonk
85-86	Unk	3 dead rats	Maggiepie
87-88	Urub	Metal brazier torch (1d4 dmg plus fire)	Plop
89-90	Vogun	Brass trumpet (well out of tune)	Parp
91-92	Vruta	Rattleshirt of small animal bones (+1 AC)	Lurky
93-94	Yalla	RICHES (1gp)	Egg
95-96	Ziku	Jar of goblin urine, well aged (causes sickness)	Snoopy
97-98	Zobmaggle	Halfling-sized powdered wig	Wakka
99-100	Zord	Human-sized wand (1d3 charges of a random 1st level spell)	Soggy

Roll	Trait
1-4	Dog-Sniff-Hate - you gain Scent, but only for dogs and dog-like creatures.
5-8	Balloon-Headed - your head is way too big. +1 to Perception
9-12	DOG PUNCHER - +1 to hit and +2 damage vs dogs
13-16	Pustular - you got the Pox. Advantage on Fort saves vs Sickening/Nausea
17-20	Goblin Stupidity - gain +1 to hit when fighting foes larger than you.
21-24	Goblin Bravery - first to run, last to die. +2 to Initiative
25-28	Bouncy - your bones are rubbery. Falls count as 10' shorter.
29-32	Ankle Biter - your teeth are sharp. Gain a bite attack (1d4 dmg)
33-36	Ugly - you are hideously scarred. +2 to Intimidate
37-40	Pyromaniac - you're used to getting set on fire. It is not your friend. Gain Fire Resistance 2.
41-44	Rager - you were born with a tiny, green fury in your heart. Gain Rage as a 1st-lvl Barbarian, but you can't tell friend from foe.
44-48	BURN BURN BURN - you love fire. Fire is your only friend. You do 1d4 extra damage with fire.
49-52	Easy Rider - you know just the right chokeholds to stay on a mount. +2 to Ride
53-56	Coward - you know just how to get out of fights. +4 to initiative, but you must pass a DC13 Will Save to get into combat in the first place.
57-60	Oversized - you're a biggun! +2 Str, Medium size
61-64	Headcase - you're insane, even by Goblin standards. Gain +2 vs mental effects
65-68	Shaman's Apprentice - you studied under the Tribe's magic-user. You learn 3 0-lvl Adept spells, castable 3/day each
69-72	Smartarse - you have more brainpower than the average Goblin. +2 Int
73-76	Sarge - you were born to lead. +2 Cha
77-80	Tough - as old leather boots! +2 Con
81-84	Sweaty - you constantly ooze. +2 to Escape Artist
85-88	Tinkerer - you're always fiddling with something. +2 Craft (any)
89-92	Runt - you were the smallest of the litter. -2 Str, +2 Dex
93-96	Colour Thief - your skin is oddly chameleonic. +2 to Stealth.
97-100	Backstabber - if you manage to sneak up on someone, you score double damage on all attacks they don’t expect.

Once you've made your Goblins, it's time to face the horrors...

Next time, I'll show my mashup of the best bits of the modules into one big chaotic mess - just right for Goblins!

The Dungeon Mascot! An OSR Hireling Class

Wroot The Goblin by Christopher Burdett

When you are deep underground, fighting for your survival against horrors born in darkness, inimicable to your sanity, it can be a welcome relief to find a friendly face. Often, these are less powerful enemies who are more likely to surrender in exchange for their lives (or even a share of the treasure!). But, these party favourites can become a liability at higher levels, making them more likely to die at the hands of some deep horror or ancient trap.

Letting them advance in this class might help with the survivability of the players new "pet", and might even lead to them to becoming a valuable party member! Or, knowing the average players, just another meatshield...

Requirements: Must be a small creature of 1HD or less, must have rolled max on the Reaction Roll upon first meeting them.
HD: 1d4+1
Attack: As Thieves
Saves: As Thieves
XP: As Cleric
Weapons and Armour: As Thieves
Level Cap: 5

Dungeon Mascots are a great tool for adventurers, helping to keep morale up with their friendliness and obsequity. Any allies traveling with a Dungeon Mascot gain a +1 bonus on saves versus fear or insanity, and provide a +1 bonus to Morale to other Hirelings.

Dungeon Mascots also take on the role of packrat - they increase their carrying capacity by 25%.

They are also eager to please, and organise their hauls with surprising efficiency - once per delve, they can pull any mundane item worth 10gp or less from their packs (this takes a turn). Every level, this increases by 10gp (to 50gp at max level).

Once (and only once), they can throw themselves in the path of a lethal wound received by a PC, dying and making everyone a little sad. Some players with less scruples might abuse this, but such is the life of the Dungeon Mascot.

Poor little bastards.

Random Table - Goblins!!!

Artwork from the Pathfinder SRD

Goblins are a staple of every low-level adventurer's murder-diet. But they can get a little stale after a while. So, here's a random table to help determine exactly what kind of goblins are inhabiting your next dungeon...

Roll 1d10	The Goblins Are Actually...
1	Backwoods little cavemen. Their weapons are crafted from bone, any armour is leather and bone, and they train various dire and prehistoric animals as guard animals and attack beasts. Their chief rides an odd rat-sabertooth hybrid (stats as a sabertooth/lion with a disease bite)
2	Masters of alchemy, in a trailer-park meth lab kind of way. They sling alchemical bombs and weapons, some have been modified by their masters (stats as anything else, like Ogres, Otyugh etc. visually horribly mutated goblin-beasts), plenty of drugs as loot. Some even have weapons of crystallized poison (one-use, does damage and make a Save vs Poison at a -4 penalty).
3	More than a little fey-tainted. They aspire to be more than their nature, but instead find themselves organised into grotesque mockeries of the Fey Courts, wearing mismatched clothes robbed from well-to do Halflings and Gnomes, and fighting with rusted rapiers and Elven weapons. Their speech patterns are filled with weirdly flowery prose mixed with base insults and filth.
4	Ruled over by a Demon-descended goblin, head and shoulders taller than the others, with a cruel smile, all the immunities and one special ability from its parent demon. His followers paint their faces with blood, sacrifice captives, and worship him as a God. May have some least demons in his service as well.
5	Infected with spores from a weird fungus in the dungeon. At night they are placid - you could even just walk right past them. But during the day, they wander the dungeon aimlessly, until the find a source of light brighter than ambient - then they suicidally rush it, hoping to infect more organisms until someone carries their spores outside of the dungeon to be carried away on the winds to another dungeon. More advanced infectees sprout hideous growths and have blind, lifeless eyes.
6	Have become strangely well-adapted to their dungeon environment - pale and hairless, bulbous blank eyes, lanky limbs with claws and oddly sticky hands - stats as Kobolds, plus perfect darkvision, permanent Spider Climb, and a severe aversion to light (they flee from light, and if forced to fight fight at -3 to all rolls). They go out of their way to remove or extinguish torches.
7	Cargo cultists who worship ancient Dwarven machines within their dungeon. Many wear brass armour and jewelery, and any with standing in the tribe (lieutenants, the chieftain) have Dwarven weapons (+1 damage), and may have constructed the ever-feared Goblin Tank from inexpertly-welded shields and scraps.
8	Brutal little cannibals. They wear demi-human skin-masks, carry cleavers and rusty kitchen tools, and don't kill their victims, instead capturing them to keep them fresh. There is a 25% chance that any given goblin is afflicted with a prion disease from eating brains (permanent berserker state, foaming, unable to tell friend from foe). Their areas always smell of cooking pork, and their loot often contains some pretty tasty jerky.
9	Oddly in touch with nature. They only use wooden weapons, wear leather armour, and their senior members (lieutenants,etc) have the abilities of a Ranger of their HD. The Chieftain has abilities as a Druid of her HD. Their areas are full of Assassin Vines and Shriekers which don't react to the goblins, and many animals (both regular and Dire) wander with them.
10	Seem pretty nice. They're converts to the local religion, they trade with the locals, and are well-groomed and respectable. This is a front - they're all thralls of a powerful psionic creature, who uses them to allow him to trade for valuable components for a great machine it's building, to allow it to control hundreds of beings at a time.