We Be Goblins! Remix Edition

So, I got a hankering to run We Be Goblins as a fun way to get the ball rolling again with my old group. However, reading through it and the three followup/prequel modules, I wasn't as massively taken with them as I remember.

For a module series focused on a fun, anarchic experience, the Pathfinder rules are a terrible fit. Too chunky, not enough leeway, more concerned with simulationism than fun.

Even the non-mechanical assumptions are pretty jarring - there's a whole tribe of goblins looking to score some fireworks, but only 4 of them get to do anything? You're a rag-tag group of the lowest rung of the humanoid ladder, but you're organised into a perfect Fighter-Thief-Cleric-Alchemist combo? You get to compete for magic items the tribe just has laying around?

There's a lot of small things that feel a little off with the modules, so here's the way I want to try it:

• Goblins are the lowest of the low. They roll their stats with 3d6, and have all the usual Goblin traits. Goblins don't get the usual Pathfinder Feats or Traits, and have no Class. 
• (It's a stolen joke, but it's a classic)
• They start with 1d4 HP, modded by Constitution.
• Each player also gets two pre-gen backup Goblins, cause this is gonna be a deadly one.
• Goblins are a chaotic, ramshackle lot - each Goblin has to roll for a Name, Trinket, Lucky Frog and Trait on the following tables:

Roll	Name	Trinket	Lucky Frog
1-2	Addur	A single, half-soggy firework	Spotol
3-4	Aka	A bag of salted slugs	Fat Frog
5-6	Boorgub	Hand-sized spider in a cage (named Stankrush)	Dogfinder
7-8	Chee	Jar of pickled halfling toes just about ready for eating	Amfibier
9-10	Chuffy	Halfling-sized toasting fork	Splat
11-12	Churkus	20 feet of rope with dead moles sewn into it	Bitey
13-14	Drubbus	Small silver hand mirror, in surprisingly good condition	Froggy McFrogface
15-16	Fevva	Jar of Dwarven perfume (half drunk)	Squish
17-18	Gawg	Rusty meat hook (1d4 dmg)	Bugeater
19-20	Geedra	Flint and tinder	Gump
21-22	Ghorg	Human-sized bridal veil	Shitter
23-24	Gogmurch	Halfling ladies’ corset (AC+1)	Stink
25-26	Goomluga	3 metal skewers (1d3 dmg, throwable)	Pigface
27-28	Gretcha	Stuffed raven	Really Fat Frog
29-30	Hibby	Bottle of brine-soaked alligator eyes	Barbar
31-32	Hoglob	Child’s doll with the eyes taken out	Lord Frogington
33-34	Ikky	Grappling hook	Actually a Toad
35-36	Irnk	3 tindertwigs	Boggy
37-38	Janka	Cowbell (worn)	Smokey
39-40	Jurk	Homemade Thieves' Tools	Munchmunch
41-42	Kavak	Squashed dried toad (his previous lucky pet toad)	Cobblers
43-44	Klongy	Jar of pickled fish heads	Kick
45-46	Luckums	6 Goblintallow torches	Bubbles
47-48	Lunthus	Almost empty salt shaker	Bip
49-50	Lupi	Pig’s tail jerky	Stabber
51-52	Medge	Wooden flute (too splintery to play without injury)	Mad Dug
53-54	Mogawg	Gourd of pickled leeches just about ready to eat	Horsesniffer
55-56	Mogmurch	Skull face mask (+1 AC, fragile)	Shagrat
57-58	Murch	Juicy slug in a small pot	Dunk
59-60	Namby	Metal codpiece, anatomically correct (+1AC)	Goose
61-62	Nurpus	Heavily-soiled Human-sized Jester’s hat	Spits
63-64	Olba	Pumpkin-head lantern	Warty
65-66	Ooft	Black eyepatch (with hole cut in it to see)	Blob
67-68	Pogus	Hard leather boot (used as belt pouch)	Windy
69-70	Poog	Bag of incredibly weevil-infested flour	FIRETOAD
71-72	Rempy	Ancestral dogslicer, stolen (1d6 dmg)	Hairy
73-74	Reta	A very thick piece of charcoal	Jarp
75-76	Ronk	A stick. It's very sharp. (1d4 dmg)	Looky Lou
77-78	Ruxi	A bag of spotted blue mushrooms (DC11 Fort save or 1d6 Int dmg and hallucinations)	Sticky
79-80	Rotfoot	Lucky charm necklace made of Halfling ears	Slipper-Slide
81-82	Scroff	Large wooden spoon (1d3 dmg)	Smudge
83-84	Sweetums	Stone skinning knife (1d4 dmg, fragile)	Bonk
85-86	Unk	3 dead rats	Maggiepie
87-88	Urub	Metal brazier torch (1d4 dmg plus fire)	Plop
89-90	Vogun	Brass trumpet (well out of tune)	Parp
91-92	Vruta	Rattleshirt of small animal bones (+1 AC)	Lurky
93-94	Yalla	RICHES (1gp)	Egg
95-96	Ziku	Jar of goblin urine, well aged (causes sickness)	Snoopy
97-98	Zobmaggle	Halfling-sized powdered wig	Wakka
99-100	Zord	Human-sized wand (1d3 charges of a random 1st level spell)	Soggy

Roll	Trait
1-4	Dog-Sniff-Hate - you gain Scent, but only for dogs and dog-like creatures.
5-8	Balloon-Headed - your head is way too big. +1 to Perception
9-12	DOG PUNCHER - +1 to hit and +2 damage vs dogs
13-16	Pustular - you got the Pox. Advantage on Fort saves vs Sickening/Nausea
17-20	Goblin Stupidity - gain +1 to hit when fighting foes larger than you.
21-24	Goblin Bravery - first to run, last to die. +2 to Initiative
25-28	Bouncy - your bones are rubbery. Falls count as 10' shorter.
29-32	Ankle Biter - your teeth are sharp. Gain a bite attack (1d4 dmg)
33-36	Ugly - you are hideously scarred. +2 to Intimidate
37-40	Pyromaniac - you're used to getting set on fire. It is not your friend. Gain Fire Resistance 2.
41-44	Rager - you were born with a tiny, green fury in your heart. Gain Rage as a 1st-lvl Barbarian, but you can't tell friend from foe.
44-48	BURN BURN BURN - you love fire. Fire is your only friend. You do 1d4 extra damage with fire.
49-52	Easy Rider - you know just the right chokeholds to stay on a mount. +2 to Ride
53-56	Coward - you know just how to get out of fights. +4 to initiative, but you must pass a DC13 Will Save to get into combat in the first place.
57-60	Oversized - you're a biggun! +2 Str, Medium size
61-64	Headcase - you're insane, even by Goblin standards. Gain +2 vs mental effects
65-68	Shaman's Apprentice - you studied under the Tribe's magic-user. You learn 3 0-lvl Adept spells, castable 3/day each
69-72	Smartarse - you have more brainpower than the average Goblin. +2 Int
73-76	Sarge - you were born to lead. +2 Cha
77-80	Tough - as old leather boots! +2 Con
81-84	Sweaty - you constantly ooze. +2 to Escape Artist
85-88	Tinkerer - you're always fiddling with something. +2 Craft (any)
89-92	Runt - you were the smallest of the litter. -2 Str, +2 Dex
93-96	Colour Thief - your skin is oddly chameleonic. +2 to Stealth.
97-100	Backstabber - if you manage to sneak up on someone, you score double damage on all attacks they don’t expect.

Once you've made your Goblins, it's time to face the horrors...

Next time, I'll show my mashup of the best bits of the modules into one big chaotic mess - just right for Goblins!