Let's Read: The Book of Erotic Fantasy: Chapter 2: Rules, Skills and Feats Part 1

Welcome back, friends, for a further investigation into what a mathematician's sex life must look like.

Chapter 2 (this is really taking a while) focuses on the mechanical aspects of sex in D&D. As if reading my mind, the first header here is "Rules? For Sex?" - apparently, you should only roll dice for sex when it's important to find out how good it was. It doesn't say why the quality of the sex might be important to a game, but it at least tells us sometimes you can just fuck and not roll dice.

We're introduced to the Appearance stat - a seventh 4d6-drop-lowest roll that determines how attractive your character is. A few skills become partially Appearance-based - Bluff, Gather Information and Intimidate can be used with either Charisma or Appearance.

Do you have to flash your pecs and perfect treasure-trail to intimidate some Orcs with your App?

Are you willing to deal with the fan backlash from breaking this guy's nose?

Weirdly, Disguise is now exclusively an Appearance skill. Surely being more attractive would make disguising yourself more difficult? Looks bring scrutiny, after all, especially when you're an 18 App demigod and everyone else is either a Half-Orc Barbarian with yet another dump stat or a shit-covered peasant!

There's a table which tells us that the average dragon is more attractive than the average Dwarf, which seems weird. And that the Will-O-Wisp, a featureless ball of light, has an App score of 20.

It's literally more attractive than any normal human. A fucking ball of light.

Censored for the prudish.

It seems to be low-hanging fruit to mention that the table for aging penalties to Appearance includes Juveniles getting a +2 bonus for being "cute". With the content of this book, that seems more than a bit inappropriate.

And everyone gets a -2 penalty to Appearance checks outside of their species - except Elves, because Mary Sue.

Sidebar: Appearance and Sexual Organs isn't about having an ugly dick, but says that due to personal preferences, being well-endowed doesn't give you a bonus to Appearance checks, and doesn't assure any skill in bed. No, that comes down to Perform (Sexual Techniques), a skill we still haven't got to. 

Then we get another list of creature types and notes about their average Appearance. It has an interesting bit where Constructs require specific DCs to make them attractive (e.g. DC 30+ to give a score of 16-17), and that rotting Undead are App 1 or 2 ("Which of these corpses would you rather fuck?") and that Vampires are generally "sexy". There's a lot of vampire love going on here, and this was well before Twilight, so we can assume that Lestat had an influence here.

Then we get Size and Sex, which features some interesting quotes - "A Halfling can use fellatio to pleasure an Ogre (or vice versa)"...

Just gonna leave this here.

But if you're trying anything with something a size category away from you, that's a -4 penalty to your relevant checks - which implies there's more to fucking than just Perform (Sexual Technique) rolls. And that makes me sad.

Next time, it'll be the real meat and potatoes - How To Sustain Sex, bedroom uses for existing skills, and of course, the STD table.

Let's Read: The Book of Erotic Fantasy: Chapter 1, Part Three: Sex and Species

Our first chapter still has a lot of info to get through, so I'll get stuck straight into the next section – Sex and The Species, looking at (as one might guess) how the various species in a fantasy world might view sexuality.

It goes into detail regarding the “standard” sexuality for each of the Core races, with added details about pregnancy for these races. There’s nothing too exciting here, but there’s a lot to unpack. I’ll briefly summarise anything interesting:

Dwarves are so mired in tradition, there are “Dwarven Sex Manuals”, to show young (40 year old) Dwarves the accepted positions and techniques to use. (Now there's some good loot if ever I saw it...)

Elves are almost all bisexual.

Gnomes are apparently sex-toy maniacs, and see sex as way more fun than any other race.

Half-Elves are either too mature for Elves or slower to mature for humans, making puberty super awkward.

The half-orc entry makes some really unfortunate mentions of gay half-orcs sexually dominating their tribe-mates being the closest thing they get to acceptance.

And halflings are all polyamorous!

Humans are, as always, the most varied, blah blah blah.

This section also covers centaurs, doppelgangers (and their bizarre snake-like mating rituals), dryads (and their tragic single-target sexuality), giants, gnolls (with an amazing lack of mention of female pseudopenises), Goblinoids, Kobolds, Lizardfolk, merfolk, minotaurs, nymphs, orges, satyrs (total shaggers) and sprites.

Phew.

The book also makes mention of a few races (giantborn, felids, serpentines) who aren't common OGL creatures. I'd assumed these are races from other products by the same company (the way Green Ronin offers advice for adding their base classes into their other settings), but as it turns out this is Valar Project's only book.

Not that surprising.

It also gives a brief overview of the other creature types, like Aberrations, Elementals etc - which implies some things about druids (even though they said they wouldn't cover bestiality), introduces the idea of intellective necrophilia (i.e. banging a sentient undead like a Vampire), and gives a rather worrying foreshadowing in the Construct section:

"However, there is one type of construct, the pleasure golem, that is designed specifically for engaging in sex. See Chapter 6: Gods and Monsters for more information"

Well - I'm not sure if the idea of a Pleasure Golem or the fact there's a whole section dedicated to sex-monsters is worse. Let's cut our losses and say both. Both are worse.

Now I tend to avoid using the artwork from the book, but I couldn't resist sharing this piece of wonder:

1000 hours in MSPaint to keep things under control

Sidebars 

Intelligence & Sex – your min-maxed Half-Orc Barbarian with an Int less than 6? Not considered eligible in most societies for sex, apparently. It gives another tip to the idea that 10 times your intelligence score gives you a rough idea of IQ.

House of a Thousand Pleasures - describes a brothel with doppelganger prostitutes.

Next up, the section we can all use - Rules, Skills and Feats.

Joy.

Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend...

Ah, shit. I still have to finish this?

Goddammit.

Let's Read: The Book of Erotic Fantasy: Chapter 1, Part 2

So, today, we get on to Sex and Alignment.

I've said before, I don't like the D&D alignment system (and I know that's a feeling shared by many, many gamers). It's one of those legacy mechanics that went from representing a cosmos-level struggle (similar to the Moorcockian Cycles), to becoming the famous 9-point chart that people argue about daily on the Internet...

Yeah... it's something like that

Now, The Book of Erotic Fantasy starts to provide its take on these issues, with regards sex. If you thought that alignment was a straightjacket to your moral behaviour, just you wait until you see what it does to your bedroom behaviour. And if it involves straightjackets, you're probably Lawful Evil. Just saying.

So, to start - Lawful Good. It's all sex in the missionary position, with the light off, through a hole cut in the sheets, purely for the purpose of procreation, right? Wrong. LG is more about thoughtfulness, looking ahead, and being respectful of your partner and their wishes. It also states that an LG relationship does not mean monogamous - sex outside the pairing is accepted, so long as all of the involved parties are aware what's happening, and are alright with it. If it's the wanton slaking of lust, not so much - there's no thought put into it. But you can be polyamourous and Lawful Good, which is nice.

We get a stat-block to represent such a character - Valeria, a Paladin with the Perform (Sexual Techniques) skill and the Sexual Training feat (more on those later, I assume...). This is also the first mention of the App stat (which I assume to mean Appearance) - how this ties in to skills (like, does it replace Charisma for certain skills? Or maybe there's a synergy bonus to those skills?) hasn't come up yet, but I am interested in finding out. She also has a few new spells and items, but nothing of any great note (although I want to place my bet that the (Potion of) Peacock's Beauty is the version of Owl's Wisdom, Cat's Grace etc. for the Appearance stat).

We also get what I assume to be some artwork for Valeria, which is a photo of a model wearing the most impractical leather armour/corset thing, in a wonderful shade of Scarlet Letter red. For some reason, it has little rings where her nipples would be... which strikes me as impractical, at best. Unless they're related to those Nipple Clamps of Exquisite Torture from the Book of Vile Darkness...

Lawful Neutral - the alignment of tradition, strong taboos, arranged marriages... the sexuality of those who are concerned about doing things "the right way", with a similar great deal of thought as LG characters. Very little room for flexibility, but seems the most likely to get themselves hitched "because it's the right thing to do", rather than out of love (or lust). Fairly meh.

Lawful Evil - Order and Power are our inspirational words here - LE uses sex as a weapon, seducing and dominating those lower in standing, and submitting to those in charge. They are "most definitely evil, but they play by the rules". And yes, the wording is specifically charged with such BDSM-imagery. Our photoart now shows a young, thin man, wearing leather shackles which bind his wrists together, and chains leading from them to his nipples. He's holding a candle in his cupped hands, and is staring at it with the most gormless look I've ever seen.

I find the implications that Lawful Evil = BDSM a little... worrying. I mean, when the game goes out of its way to ensure that BDSM isn't automatically evil, but makes the reverse true, that's either sloppy writing or double-standard up the wazoo. Once again, time will tell.

Notably, the text-blurb for LE is the longest so far, and explains why that picture of the little pigeon-chested fella holding a candle is there. Someone spent a while crafting that little narritive...

Neutral Good - focus on pleasuring their partners, and simply want them "leave their partner happier for being with them". NG's exemplar character is Chevel, a Bard (who I can see getting a lot out of this book). She has Perform (Burlesque), and a few new spells as well (depilatory and grope as cantrips, block the seed and vision of exquisite pleasure at 1st-level, and touch me not and limited telepathy at 2nd-level). While the rest I can vaguely guess about, I am assuming that vision of exquisite pleasure is a first-level save-or-suck (*snicker*) spell, which have historically been one of the problems with 3.5.

True Neutral - as with most edition of D&D, this book seems to struggle when it comes to defining the Neutral Neutral crew. Their description basically states that they do what they want - they might be chaste, celibate, slutty, faithful, cheaters - whatever works for them. Dull, and pretty pointless - much like the True Neutral nearly everywhere else.

Neutral Evil - self-centered schemers, who will do whatever they feel they can get away with. They control, abuse, and prostitute others for their own gain. Their relationships tend to be "emotionally painful, often filled with trickery and deceit".

Chaotic Good - "if it feels right, do it" is the slogan here - CG characters value their individuality, and shrug off the taboos of their society, hoping to convince others to do the same with some righteous dickings. They want to ensure that their partners feel better for having been with them - whether that means freeing them from the constraints of their culture, or just leaving them with more confidence, they're the Robin Hood of bedroom antics.

Chaotic Neutral - it's the DM's least favourite alignment, the good old could-kiss-your-mother, could-punch-your-baby Asshole Random. CN characters care about themselves in relationships, leaving "a trail of emotional wreckage and heartache" behind them. They pride themselves on individuality, breaking taboos for the sake of it, and really playing up that "actions first, think later" mentality.

For bonus points, there is some more photoart here - of some woman with her boobs out. Now, I do love boobs, but that's not why this entertains me - the model featured is the spitting image of the ex of one of my old players/GMs - who was a fucking nutbar. Ah, good times...

Also, there are little blurbs of text which allegedly "demonstrate" behaviour typical of each alignment, but none have been noteworthy... until this little gem:
"Ooh, I have need of your nice, strong sword," she cooed. She used her left hand to draw up her skirts, exposing a bare expanse of thigh. "Come here and explore my deep, dark cave".

Did... did she just compare her vagina to a dungeon crawl? Watch out you don't catch ear-seekers or some shit.

Chaotic Evil -abusers, pure and simple. They seek to destroy, hurt, and torture people at the best of times, and are associated with acts such as "rape, mutilation, bestiality, and the abuse of helpless creatures". The authors also point out that they aren't going to mention anything more about these subjects, bar mentioning them. That's nice.

Join me tomorrow for Sex and The Species, where we learn about randy half-orcs, awkward half-elves, and of course, Gnomish sex toys.

Sigh.

Let's Read: The Book Of Erotic Fantasy: Introduction and Chapter 1: Love, Sex and Roleplaying

A foreword from me:

I like to include sex and sexuality in my games. Not as a front-and-centre element, but certainly something that comes up. From the classic wenching at a tavern, to the confusion that magic might bring to alternate sexuality and transgender issues, I like to use sex as a starting point and hook for games - after all, your characters are people, they eat, they sleep, they fuck. They have their preferences to the way they do those things (if they do them at all). But, being a background element, I disagree with in-depth mechanical representations of it (finding them too... well, mechanical).

However, enough about me - let's get to it.

Let's Read: The Book of Erotic Fantasy

So, after the (a)rousing success of my post about the AD&D Book of Sex, I wanted to share more of the weird and wonderful world of Erotic D&D with you - this time another "classic", the Book of Erotic Fantasy for D&D 3.5.

A little history lesson first - when Wizards of the Coast began using the Open Game Licence for their D&D products, they had a plan - they write the books, other companies write the adventures. This would save them time and effort, which could go into writing more splatbooks, and maximise profit - because, after all, everyone wanted the PHB and their own choice of splatbooks, but only some DMs used pre-written adventure models, and with the cost of artwork, printing maps and other bits, they cost a decent chunk of change to make. Plus, if you update the rules, you'll need to buy the new ones (supposedly), but adventures are fairly simple to convert - thus meaning less cash overall.

What was realised, however, was that these companies could really write anything under the OGL, so long as they gave credit. This led to some really cool settings, some unusual new options for classes and races (like Mongoose's Quintessential series), and awesome variant games (like Iron Heroes and the Conan D20 game) but also more than a few books which pushed the envelope of what D&D was really about. One of these was the Book of Erotic Fantasy, all about sex, sexuality, and seduction in your games.

To give you an idea of the quality of this book, WotC no longer have an OGL for 4e. This book was indirectly stated as one of the reasons why.

... what the fuck am I letting myself in for here?

I'll tackle each chapter as a separate post, to avoid massive walls of text, and I might split some into multiple parts. As I have time off work, and I've been bitten by something of an inspiration bug, I should manage a post every day (maybe every other day).

Wish me luck, people - *snaps rubber glove* I'm going in. Dry.

Continue To Part 1

Let's Read: The AD&D Book of Sex

Art by Psycho Tiyal via WTF, D&D!?

So, I've talked about sexuality in gaming a few times before, and while prepping for my AD&D game, I figured that I might have a laugh downloading the infamous "AD&D Book of Sex" - a netbook of rules and bits and boobs bobs to include sex in your games.

Well.

It's about as immature as I imagined, but there are a few stand-out pieces (both positive and negative)...

To start - the act itself. A character can last as many rounds as his Constitution score - after that, they need to start making Constitution checks (with a cumulative penalty) to keep going. Which, to me, seems... a little short. You really have to be some super-tough Adonis to last half an hour in bed? And then, there are the chances of orgasm (only 1 in 10 for women?) However, it does also list bonuses from Dexterity (representing flexibility and "knowing how to use it"), Strength and Charisma (less about looks, more about confidence), which means that even an average Joe has a decent chance to achieve a thoroughly decent innings, and even those with various stat handicaps can still do the Vertical Mambo with some aplomb.

Still - when has it been worth counting exactly how long your character managed to have sex? Most of the time, I handle sex with a "fade to black", and would find players who demanded more information in a friendly social setting to be a little disruptive, not to mention creepy. Then again, should the party Barbarian ever challenge the Bard to a wenching competition, I now know exactly how to adjudicate it. I kinda wish I didn't, but there you go.

The Bitch Rule stands out as a particularly egregious example of the immaturity in the document. Did you ever feel the need to roleplay a character with terrible PMS? Well, now can do so - and add some mechanical support, too! Surely, if you really feel the need to add such a dimension to your character (and, seriously, good luck doing so without hogging the spotlight and engaging in player-baiting behaviour), you could surely do so without having to roll to see just how bad your PMS is? Hell, I know plenty of people who suffer terribly around their time of the month, and I find this just a tad offensive.

There is also an example, from a player of the DM's who used these rules to engage in some rather disruptive bullshit behaviour. Way to prove how cool these rules are, guys.

There is also an extended section on the Seduction Roll - and, surprisingly, it's not bad! It adds various factors to the roll as modifiers and penalties, and gives a nice chance to seduce instead of simply rolling a flat Charisma check. I'd only really use it during a seduction-heavy game (like a high-political game, or maybe a Thieves Guild game, where such actions can affect the future layout of the campaign).

There's a table of sexually transmitted diseases you could catch, and the percentages of a population who are carriers for such diseases (PROTIP: NEVER go screwing in a small, lower-class village. About 40% of the people there have the clap), as well as the strange chance to develop a "sexual madness" - basically, hyper-niche fetishes. I'm... not really sure how one is more likely to catch a "mental" problem from unprotected sex, but there you go.

There's also the Magical STDs section - holy shit what.

"Acidic Secration (sic)- The sexual partner receives 2d8 points of damage on any round (DM's choice) during each sexual encounter."

Dude, a 1st level Commoner can die in like 2 rounds with a housecat. What the fuck is this shit?

"Orgasmatic Polymorph - Upon an orgasm, the inflicted polymorphs into another creature, save those that are noncoporeal, from as small as wren to as large as a hippopotamus. Furthermore the victim gains its physical mode of locomotion and breathing as well. No system shock is required. This affect does not give the new form's other abilities, nor does it run the risk of changing personality and mentality. The duration of the polymorph is 1 turn per constitution point."

...

"Kursk, we need to cross this chasm, but we have no way to fly across!"
"Don't worry, Dallara - I have visited the Brothel of Many Things, and left with a new gift..." *unzips*

...right.

And, for those times when a player really needs to know exactly what the hooker he picked up is like, the document includes a Random Prostitute Generator!

It's a bit more in depth than that - it includes stats, weight and height, available "services"...

The new spells are a mixed bag. Some might see some use, or make for particularly flavoursome choices (pardon the pun). But there's a few which are somewhat dubious...

Sex Change - "The DM must make sure the victim of the spell acts in the manner appropriate to the sex. If not, then the spell doesn't really seem powerful."

So, you have to make sure the player plays to the basest stereotypes of their new gender? The Barbarian now has to feel broody and worry about breaking her nails? The Wizard must lech on every female in sight, now that she's a he? Don't like.

Mordenkainen's Lubrication, Know Sexual Preference, and Sterility as Cantrips are all fine by me, and might just make it into my games.

Power Word: Castrate - what is this I don't even... why?

There are quite a few spells which are marked "Kiss of X", which are basically touch-range spells with a little more oomph than those of a similar level (balanced out by having to get really up close and personal with the target). These are fine, and could be a cool addition to a Bard's Spell List.

But the one which really, really freaks me out?

Summon Cissaldan (Conjuration/Summoning) 

(As in Harlan Ellison's short "How's the Night Life On Cissalda?")

Level: 9
Range: 30 yards
Components: V, S
Duration: Special
Casting Time: 9
Area of Effect: None
Saving Throw: None

The casting of this spell will cause an interdimensional connection between the world of the spell caster and the alternate world of the Cissaldans. The utterance of this spell attracts one Cissaldan which will come through the connection and attack whomever the spell caster directs the spell against. The recipient has an immediate desire to "do a disgusting thing with a disgusting thing" and will fall upon the Cissaldan with much vigor. The recipient will not be able to do or say anything else since his or her complete concentration is centered on the Cissaldan. The two will continue to copulate until the recipient dies of starvation. There is no known way of separating someone (or something since the Cissaldans do not discriminate in any way) from a Cissaldan until the recipient dies. After the death of the spell recipient, the Cissaldan will return to the world from which it came. Cissaldans are described as having two penises, two vaginas, and are physically "disgusting" to look at. They, however, love to make love so to speak, and can physically adapt to any sexual physiology.

EWWWWWW! Man, I knew that Ellison was a total pervert, but maaaaaaaaaaaan that's nasty... and what purpose would this spell serve that a little Finger of Death wouldn't, in a far less disgusting way? I mean, no save is pretty good, but... ew.

Now, onto "Magic Items Your Mom Wouldn't Approve Of", a list that varies between useful and offensive quicker than Bernard Manning with an engineering degree.

The Lipsticks of the Houri grant those Kiss of X spells, anywhere between 5 and 30 times (5 applications, 1d6 kisses per application). Pretty good, for between 1000-9000gp. I can see these showing up for that Bard I mentioned earlier... or being back-planted into 1E, where they had a Houri Class (which was also pretty cool).

The Ring of the Bulls gives you a massive knob.

    Die Roll   Ring Type           Effect
      1-5      Calf                Add 1/3 of the size
      6-9      Young               Add 1/2 of the size
     10-11     Bull                Double the size
      12       THE BEAST           Triple the size     <- dangerous

For some reason, the little arrow makes me think it's a hand-written note by some amateur mage who passed out from blood loss the first time he tried it...

The various items against pregnancy (including a Ring of Protection that... doesn't go on your finger) are decent - I would include them as flavour in most campaigns (like Pathfinder's Gentleman's Snuff).

Then there's the Sword of Castration, which is like a Voral Sword... only not. The Underwear of Chastity, bane of all Bards, is your standard magical chastity belt. Fairly sure I can find a use for that in any game.

After that, we get to the Houri Kit for Wizards - with another new special rule for seduction, and a few negatives. A nice little Kit, though I would see it as a better option for Bards than Wizards, but hey - horses for courses and all that.

Then, there's the full prostitute generator, and a list of ways to stat up a brothel (including a nice sample House of Ill Repute), a list of  "Sexy Monsters" for other sources, and a table to roll on to see what kind of porn you find raiding a humanoid's lodgings. None of which I would personally use, but there you go.

To finish off, there's a handful of weak adventure ideas, and a pair of  "happy" (in the sense of a Happy Ending) and "touching" (in the sense of BAD TOUCH) tales from sexy games the writer had run before.

All in - I've found a handful (if that) of redeemable features, most of which wouldn't require anywhere near as much detail as this guy seems to want to go into.

All in, the e-book is a 4 out of 10 - could try harder.

The Gnoma Sutra

Gnomes are known for their sense of humour above all - many take to playing tricks and pranks on their travelling companions, especially those of a more serious bent (like Dwarves, or particularly old Elves). But, amongst their own kind, wordplay takes a particular precedence - leading to the creation of The Gnoma Sutra.

Many claim that there was once a Gnomish Bard, whose name was lost to the mists of time, who collected and categorised each and every one of his sexual exploits, and was always try to *ahem* push the envelope of Gnomish sexuality. His collected writings, The Hundred Thousand Heavenly Dances of The Gnomish People, became a sensation amongst his people, and led to a time of great hedonism, from which most of the Gnomish race was born.

At least, that's what Gnomes tell the other races.

See, The Gnoma Sutra is a game of implication and wordplay. To play, one must make various grandiose boasts about their sexual ability, with reference to a specific passage or position from the "book", but without revealing its most direct meaning. Then, you add as many embellishments and other such details, until one or either of you, or your audience, cannot stop laughing. On various festivals (particularly those centred around Spring and fertility), Gnomes may come from all over the country to gather together and watch master wordsmiths come together to form a filthy tapestry of implied sexual deviance that would cause even the sternest Dwarf to crack a smile.

An example of play:

Garl: Well, my good sir, I will have you know that I, and I alone, am the most experienced here. For you see, I have mastered Number Six-Hundred and Twenty-Seven in the Great Book. It wasn't easy - three of those species of bird are extinct, and the donkey needs a decent attention span.

Nebin: Is that so? Well, myself and the wife attempted a quick Twelve the other night, and I still can't hear out of my right ear.

Sorrasa: Gentlegnomes, please. I am renowned for my mastery of Numbers Eighty-Three (The Monkey Steals a Peach), Two-Hundred and Seventeen (The Farmhand's Daughter) and Two Thousand, Seven-Hundred and Twenty-Eight (The Frumious Digger). And, unlike most ladies who have mastered all three, I can still sneeze on command!

The winner is judged by who gets the biggest laughs (at larger gatherings, a compere will ask for a round of applause for each contestant - the loudest crowd reaction wins).

Such games are not for the faint of heart. Many games will also involve the copious imbibement of alcohol, to allow the words some lubrication, and to loosen the morals of the players.